


Words (Don't) Come Easy

by Huntress79



Category: White Collar
Genre: Fluff, Gen, sprinkled with angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 08:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9483281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress79/pseuds/Huntress79
Summary: In the wee hours of the night, a new father has a one-sided conversation – and kind of an epiphany.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kanarek13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanarek13/gifts).



> Written for Round 5 of [runthecon](http://runthecon.livejournal.com/) and [tjs_whatnot](http://tjs-whatnot.livejournal.com)’s prompt “Silver Lining and Gold Dust Dreams”. Set either in an AU after Season 4 or post-series. Title comes from an old song by F.R. David. A belated birthday gift for my dear friend [kanarek13](http://kanarek13.livejournal.com). Enjoy!

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_Lennox Hill Hospital, New York_  
 _Room 217, Maternity Ward_

 

The room was, except for the soft glow of the night light, shrouded in the dark of the night. Casting a glance at his watch and seeing it was 3:30 a.m., Neal realized that usually at this time, he was fast asleep. But, his brain added, tonight he was as far from usual as possible, in the probably best way.

Sitting up in the lounge seat the orderlies had brought in earlier, he let his eyes roam. Sara was, after almost 14 hours of labor, dead to the world, recharging her batteries after bringing the probably biggest miracle into their lives.

Speaking of miracles: for all his cleverness and talents, Neal still had a hard time to wrap his mind around the fact that he was a father now. Since making her entrance some hours before, this little bundle of joy reminded him with every breath she took that from now on, he was responsible for her as well, not just himself. And if that wasn’t a scary thought, what would qualify then?

Tiny sounds coming from the bassinet on the other side of Sara’s bed brought Neal out of his reverie. As stealthy as possible, he got up, padding the few steps over to where the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen was slightly fussing.

“Hey, sweetie, what’s up?” Neal asked in a soft voice while lifting her into his arms. “You’re hungry?”

Of course, the only answer the newborn could give consisted of an uncoordinated wave of her tiny hands (which was another part of the miracle called “child” in Neal’s opinion), but since her mouth stayed shut, the brand-new father concluded that feeding her could wait, at least for a bit.

Placing her on the seat he just had vacated, Neal shed the simple tee he was wearing (he, Peter and Jones were just putting the finishing touches to the nursery when El called them to the hospital). Both their doctor and several of the books he read in the last few months recommended skin-to-skin contact in cases like this, when the infant would fuss without a cause, stating that sometimes, all the baby needed was to feel a heartbeat.

He picked her up, sat down and made sure that she was safely encased in his arms. In the last few hours since her birth, Neal had trouble to tear his eyes from her. A little, slightly sarcastic voice in the back of his mind, which sounded a lot like Peter, piped up and reminded him that he always was a ladies’ man, but Neal begged to differ. Usually, he was the flame that pulled the women in, but this time, the tables were turned. With her tiny mop of dark brown hair, her chubby nose, round face, tiny hands and feet, and a pair of stunning sea-green eyes (as El put it: the perfect color blend of him and Sara), his newborn daughter put every other woman to shame when it came to beauty. Of course, the women in the extended ragtag family called team were excluded, but every other woman he ever had met had to take a step back.

“You’re feeling better now, huh?” Neal whispered when he noticed that the tiny tremors that had accompanied her earlier fussing had ceased. Apparently, he had done right, he realized with a smile. And wasn’t there a saying or two about small victories?

Anyway, after all, Mozzie was their go-to source for quotes and aphorisms. Not that Neal didn’t know a lot of them too, but now, he had other priorities, and he hoped that that wouldn’t change for the rest of his life.

The little girl in his arms finally settled, her breathing evening out once again. As if an invisible thread was connecting them, Neal also felt a new kind of calm engulfing him. For the first time in a long time (he suspected it was even the first time ever), the world felt right, normal to him. Back in his years as a con man, he always adapted the level of normalcy of his mark, and in more than one case, it didn’t feel right to him at all. But this here, this new road ahead of them, felt absolutely right, and he was damned if he screwed that up.

A tiny fist collided with his sternum and brought Neal back to reality. If that was anything to count for, their little daughter definitely had Sara’s strength inherited. There were only a few people that knew that the insurance detective had mastered several martial arts, and he felt a surge of pride to be one of them.

Neal grabbed the fist, which opened for a fraction to let one of his fingers slip in and grab it tight. How such a tiny being could already hold such strength and power over him was still beyond him, but for once, Neal just reveled in it. He wouldn’t want to change it, anyway.

“You know, when your mama told me she was expecting,” Neal suddenly said, gazing out on the city, “I was scared, like really, really scared. Don’t think I’m easily scared, cause I’ve got a lot of stories to tell you when you’re older to tell you otherwise, but this one sentence, boy, that was, for a heartbeat or two, the worst thing ever.” He chuckled, and as if she really understood his words, his little daughter squeezed the finger she still was holding. “Yeah, silly me. Why should I be afraid of something so tiny and yet so wonderful as you? But you need to know that I didn’t have the best of childhoods out there. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say none of my parents would win an award for that job. God, I wish Ellen could meet you, she would absolutely love you.”

Neal had to pause, the emotions threatening to spill over. Even now, only thinking of his late surrogate mother caused turmoil in Neal. Pulling his finger free, he wiped his face, clearing the tears away before refocusing on the precious cargo in his arms.

“Do you wanna know a secret? Of course you do, everyone wants to hear them. Your mama and Ellen are quite alike. Strong, independent, but full of warmth and compassion once you crack the shell. I remember my colleagues at work when they got the news that I was about to become a father. Everyone was surprised to see your mama pulling through the pregnancy. You know, in this world, it’s a lot about how you are on the outside, not on the inside. So when they heard your mama was gonna have you, no matter what, they were quite surprised. A lot of them thought your mama didn’t have any motherly instincts in her, but she proved them wrong, all the way. Sure, she was probably as scared as I was all the months leading up to today, but if I know one thing about your mama, it is that she won’t give up, never.” A new memory came up in his mind, and once again, Neal couldn’t help but chuckle. “When I first met her, that trait was pretty scary. I wasn’t used to see such a behavior in a woman, at least not in that intensity, so I guess she starred in a few nightmares after that. But we’re gonna keep that information a secret, okay?”

As if on command, the infant grabbed his index finger again, holding it with all the might her few hours old body could muster.

“Good thing we’re on the same side here, sweetie.” He paused, letting his gaze sweep over the small body cradled between his arms and his chest.

“Okay, where were we?” The baby just did as much as drool slightly and flex her hands and feet. “You’re no help, you know that? Anyway, as I said, my childhood was a far cry from perfect. Rest assured, the term ʻperfectʼ is just as wobbly as jelly, but still, my early years wouldn’t fit that description, not even by the longest stretch. And based on those experiences, I never, ever saw myself being a father. Sure, once upon a time, in a somewhat different life, with another woman, I had fantasies about that, but now, I’m glad they never got fulfilled. I didn’t see her major flaw, and maybe having a family with her would have ended the way my own childhood did.”

The baby on his chest huffed a sigh, as if to say “if you say so” before going back to even breathing and slightly flexing her hands.

“Sometimes, I wish I could tell the future, could know what’s going on further down the road of our lives.” Neal looked down, once again marveled out of his wit by this light pink-clad miracle. “As you might have guessed right, I can’t, none of us can. But, and that’s a big but, I can and I will try my best to give you the best childhood ever. Sure, we will have our differences in the years to come, but I promise you now that, no matter what, I will never, ever abandon you, or your mother for that matter. I know how much pain it causes growing up with just one parent and an aunt, and I never gonna put you and your mama through what my mom and I had to go through. Sure, I was too young back then to really get it, but even at that age, you get certain feelings, even when you don’t understand them.”

The infant suddenly started to work its mouth on his chest, apparently trying to find something special. Translation for daddy – feeding time was approaching fast. For the first time ever, Neal was grateful for the hours Mozzie had him sitting in the various cafés around town and analyzing the other patrons. Reading your child wasn’t that different from reading a potential mark, and so, Neal was already tuned in to his baby girl, even though she was just a few hours old.

Getting up from the seat once again, Neal padded over to where the nurses had left him some formula for the night. The prepared bottles were in a device that kept them at a certain temperature, so all Neal had to do was to grab one and give it to his child.

In a heartbeat (or two), father and child were back to the seat, and while the little girl latched onto the bottle, slurping down the formula, Neal had kind of an epiphany. He was a non-violent type by heart, but for these two women, he would give his life, in a heartbeat, if it meant that they were safe. Sure, he would break the promise he just gave his daughter that way, but no one would get away with hurting either her or Sara, not on his watch. And dying while protecting them was the noblest way Neal could think of.

“Emily Anne Caffrey, you’re my little, precious angel, my silver lining on the horizon, and I’m honored to be your father.”

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The End

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End file.
